Distortion

I often wonder how distorted my view of myself and my life is from the reality of it.

I often wonder if the reasons I do the things I do are the real reasons or if I have subconscious reasons that I don't even know about but that everyone else sees but me.

I think I'm pretty authentic, but maybe I'm so distorted, I'm really all fake.

The people in my life like to tell me exactly who they believe me to be and sometimes it's so different from what I believe of myself, that I am stunned they see those things projected from me. And I begin to re-evaluate...break things down...then become broken. Sometimes what they tell me has some validity, sometimes it leaves me totally confused as to how I could have been so mis-read.

I really, really try to do the right thing...not based on what I want, but what I believe God wants of me based on what I know of Him. I know I fail in that sometimes, like totally fail, and I see that clearly and I own up and face the consequences. Sometimes I try so hard and just continue to not quite make the mark...but I persevere. But sometimes I think I hit it bang on, and then get slapped in the face for my efforts...so in that have I missed the mark or been mis-understood, deliberately or legitimately?

I think in the end I just need to focus on the character of God, and follow that as closely as I can, and while I have human distortion in that, I DO have Holy Spirit understanding. If I try to be the person everyone else wants me to be, that I think, is the true distortion...and I'll end up being a human mutation of who God wants me to be.

But I'll still always piss someone off I am sure....