It's gonna rain sometimes...

Just how can I make it better...all better? You would think after all this time...I'm 48 1/2 years old...I would have learned that I cannot fix it all. I don't even know if it is an admirable trait any longer to want to fix it up. I have two parts of me at war...equally strong...and in the moments of utter grief or anger or frustration or determination, when my human heart strains to fix things, to pick it up, whatever the ill and mold it to what I need it to be to find relief...for the suffering around me, for the ill will of another against me or mine own, for justice or mercy where there just is NONE...in those moments, my Spirit-filled heart says NO...STOP... GIVE IT UP.

The whisper comes to my ear in the gently falling rain, or in the howling wind, or in the bitter cold...and says, 'Give it to Me...it is Mine to work out in human hearts...not yours to solve, beloved. You, my darling child, must just love...that is what I call you to.'

But why love and have no power to fix that which is wrong??? Why???

I would bear it all willingly...so many times I have bourne my own struggles, that I know...believe that I could do it for others...

'No,' He whispers...'I have already bourne it...it is finished...'

What arrogance I have, what gall...to think I could be Him...I feel pitifully insignificant and ineffective...and so I should be compared to Him.

I know my place....my calling...it is hidden in the Spirit-filled heart of mine, the one that struggles with my human heart of great will...it is my calling to be His conduit of love, to pour it out until dry...and point the way to Him, who never runs dry.

It is a good place...the best calling....I really would not have it any other way...it's just freakin' hard for the human heart of me to understand.