It's out there now....

I process my life...my emotions, my decisions, my grief, my frustrations....through conversation. I talk to people...a lot of talking and a lot of people. My poor husband....he's an internal processor....and I think I embarrass him by just putting it all out there. Verbosity is my disease ....also known as verbal diarrhea.
So I've gone and done it again; made a decision by processing it out there and getting all kinds of feedback...reassurance I think, that I am on the right track.

I am making some sacrifices in obedience...not quite reluctant obedience, but somewhat fearful obedience to be sure. I have made the decision to step back from most of my youth ministries volunteering (which is considerable) come the fall, in order to protect some time for writing.

Most of my ministry partners seem somewhat relieved....I know they've appreciated me, but I think they've been worried for me; that I do too much, get too tired, endanger my health. It makes me roll my eyes. I love that they love me enough to be concerned, but seriously, I'm a fifty year old woman (almost) and I want to be around for a long time yet and I know my capabilities and limits more than they think I do. But moving on...

I have a great capacity to...do. Yes, just do...think, create, organize, plan and complete. My brain does not stop. I think if I did not have God to focus on I might have some serious mental health issues. My creative juices flow constantly and over multiple ideas at a time...it is constantly stimulated by people, my environment, my work, my relationships. God helps me focus these thoughts on what is good and right and under His will. And I have learned to be obedient to Him....most of the time. I am super relational. I care deeply....deeply....for people, all people...but especially young people. My compassion seems boundless and I know it is fostered by God not under my own power. I think without God's focus it would utterly overwhelm me. But I am obedient to it because that in a nutshell is my calling from Him. And from that calling ALL my ministry flows.

So while I am putting aside most relational ministry in the fall, aside from some youth drama, I am not putting aside my calling. I know God is calling me to write, but He is calling me to write to this generation that is beleaguered by hopelessness. And the story He has given to me is an allegory of His hope, peace, mercy, forgiveness, faithfulness, healing and salvation. Sounds like a heady project, eh? Pretty bold eh? Scares the crap out of me. Just seeing it in print here, makes me cringe with the audaciousness of it. I'm tempted to delete the last few sentences...but I won't. And it's not just the cowardice that makes me tremble, but writing is just a solitary pursuit...and I thrive on people. I am afraid I'll be distracted by my pursuit of people instead of Him. It will take more discipline than I have ever had, and if anything comes out of this for me, I think that is it. Discipline, seeking Him to meet my needs, relying on Him alone for my needs. I just know He's here, with me, right now, urging me on. So I will obey in the best of my ability and trust Him for the rest. I feel a little 'out there', hanging on by the tips of my fingers. But I have been there before.

And if you see me, six months from now, babbling to myself in a corner somewhere....it's because the characters in my writing have become more real to me than real people!  ;o)