Heart's Desire

It's been a rough few weeks...just lots going on, heart hurting stuff....so I took a sidetrip from life on the weekend, to evaluate, to retreat, to re-connect and have a chat with God. It works that way sometimes. Until I shut down and shut off life for a time, I can't hear the Voice I need to.

So I got in my car, cranked the worship tunes and cruised...I began to hear Him a very few minutes after I got in the car. I drove over 200 kms in three hours, stopped a few places, prayed, read the Word, walked, listened. He spoke about my life, and gave me some insight, some wisdom, some peace, some joy and a lot of comfort. But it wasn't without a reminder.

I walked along a river at one point...there was still a lot of snow...but I parked myself on a slightly wet picnic table bench and listened to the water flowing...bubbling and gurgling along. I saw a little bird, an American Dipper, I know now, standing on a rock in the middle of the flowing water, and every now and then it would just dive off it's rock into the water and disappear for a moment and then bob up again, the current dragging it downstream. It would dive a number of times and then flutter and swim and end up on the solid rock again. Then it would trill its pretty song before it began all over again.

Now I can make an analogy out of anything, but being in the contemplative mood I was in, I saw the bird portraying my recent life....diving into life and then bobbing in and out of situations that drag me along with them, feeling tossed around and finding my way back to the Rock again and singing His praises. It brought me to tears, thinking over those crazy situations...and I had a very audible conversation with God...it was in my head but I heard it there clear as day, from my hurting heart...

Terry: You know the desires of my heart?

God: Yes, I do.

Terry: Will I have them?

God: You'll have Me.

Not what I want but what He wants me to want. If He is the desire of my heart, then I will have all I desire. And why would He not be? For He loves me best, He knows best for me, so why would I not choose His desire for my life, over mine?

And so I shall....

Warfare

2 Timothy 4:16 At my first defense, no one came to my support, but everyone deserted me. May it not be held against them. 17 But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. And I was delivered from the lion's mouth. 18 The Lord will rescue me from every evil attack and will bring me safely to his heavenly kingdom. To him be glory for ever and ever. Amen Seriously?? Seriously you pathetic miserable beast? Is that all you got you slimy worm of a serpent? You think you can make me quit by attacking the ones I love in their weaknesses? Never. I will choose faith every time. I am weary and heartsick and so frustrated. But I will protect the ones I love. I will proclaim freedom in Christ until my last breath over all my loved ones here and around the world and because of it, they will be the hope of the world. I will choose faith and love every single time. You are defeated, so take a back seat, you bastard, because nothing you can do will make me give up. I am His. Onward.

Tiny Dancer

She used to dance all over the house. She rarely walked...just twirled, and leapt and sashayed. When I would get exasperated and say, 'just walk!', she would gracefully spread her arms and do ballet walks in first position down the hallway. Her joy was the dance. She danced for no one but herself. It was not about the audience, or performance, or putting on airs. It was an expression of her innermost being. Where did that go? That little girl is in there still somewhere. I know it. What part of life hid that lightness of being in her? I fear I was part of it. I regret it...so much. I want to help her find it again but I don't know how. I would give anything for her to be able to dance her way through life again.