Distortion

I often wonder how distorted my view of myself and my life is from the reality of it.

I often wonder if the reasons I do the things I do are the real reasons or if I have subconscious reasons that I don't even know about but that everyone else sees but me.

I think I'm pretty authentic, but maybe I'm so distorted, I'm really all fake.

The people in my life like to tell me exactly who they believe me to be and sometimes it's so different from what I believe of myself, that I am stunned they see those things projected from me. And I begin to re-evaluate...break things down...then become broken. Sometimes what they tell me has some validity, sometimes it leaves me totally confused as to how I could have been so mis-read.

I really, really try to do the right thing...not based on what I want, but what I believe God wants of me based on what I know of Him. I know I fail in that sometimes, like totally fail, and I see that clearly and I own up and face the consequences. Sometimes I try so hard and just continue to not quite make the mark...but I persevere. But sometimes I think I hit it bang on, and then get slapped in the face for my efforts...so in that have I missed the mark or been mis-understood, deliberately or legitimately?

I think in the end I just need to focus on the character of God, and follow that as closely as I can, and while I have human distortion in that, I DO have Holy Spirit understanding. If I try to be the person everyone else wants me to be, that I think, is the true distortion...and I'll end up being a human mutation of who God wants me to be.

But I'll still always piss someone off I am sure....

Grief

Rio Finnigan Schmidt
June 9, 1999 - January 5, 2012
Beloved Furry Son and Brother
Trusted Companion in Fair and Foul Weather
Full of Great Love with a Steadfast Heart
He was dearly loved and will be missed immeasurably

Grief - Deep sorrow, esp. that caused by someone's death, distress, woe

I've been home most of the day....and a couple of dozen times or more I have imagined hearing nails clipping on the floor, or laboured breathing, or seen a flash of movement in the back yard, or waited for a bark at the doorbell...it was all for naught. It was imagined or never came. And each time a wave of yearning, longing grief rolled through me...gripping my heart, more painful than I had thought possible. I didn't expect it to this extent.

The grief of loss, the distress, I believe comes from the sudden change...the loss of the familiar. For 12 1/2 years Rio has been a large part of the backdrop of our lives, a constant, always there. He is such a part of our memories. In passing, with sincere sympathy, people talk of pets being a part of our family. For a small statement there is great truth in that. This 50lb animal, with eyes that could melt the hardest heart, was part of our family culture...his personality was individual but completely focussed on our family....more so I think than any other family member. We loved him...and that meant for all the good and the bad of him. He made us laugh, frustrated us, surprised us, we got angry at him, played with him, soothed him, cared for him, fought with him, ignored him....just like we do with the rest of our family!

Now he's gone....just like that...we left with him this morning....and he didn't come back....by our own decision, to relieve his suffering. It was so quick and painless, (for him)...he just fell into a deep calm sleep. I've cried off and on the last two nights because of his suffering and tonight because it is stopped.

It will be a very long time before I stop listening for him...looking for him...in our home, in our lives. That is grief....grieving. We are in mourning and we grieve.

Good-bye darling sweet puppy boy...Lord, I loved you, not always well, but I loved you. And I know you loved us all...it was your life's focus. Good-night, sleep well, rest easy, Rio...you deserve it.